I lost the fight...(My authentic 40th Birthday Post)

I lost the fight!

At 39 I said, "ok I know just how to make turning 40 great."

I vowed through the year to channel my strength, push boundaries, travel, and enter 40 "in control."

I started by signing a contract with a marketing firm and committing a large chunk of money. I wanted to finally tell our team story and share what makes us unique. We rolled out a beautiful site, video, and social feeds. I felt strong and in control. In the coming months I learned not everyone is happy with others success. As of a few weeks ago we had to take the website and social media pages down while we make compliance changes. I wasn't in control. 

My plan for the year included family adventures and an epic trip to finish the year. In October our daughter started having medical issues. At first a simple sprained ankle took months to heal and our ski season was impacted, but this was just the start. As the year went on what started as simple ear aches progressed into severe and chronic pain, which impacted our family on almost every level. I wasn't in control. 

In July I came home from a trip and after seeing my wife's swollen face from crying for so many hours (because it’s hard seeing your child in severe pain), I decided I was smart, strong and could fix our situation...i was taking back control. We needed a diagnosis and medication, so I took Clara to the ER at Children's hospital and determined to not leave until we had answers. Four days later I checked her out with no answers, listened to her scream the entire drive home begging me to take her back, and never felt lower in my entire life. I wasn't in control. 

Most recently my team has had to navigate some stressful and sticky situations, Clara's pain levels are going back up and we have to make some big decisions about two complicated surgeries. I haven't felt strong. I have been brought to my knees over and over this year. In fact, each time I committed to taking control it seemed I would suffer an even larger blow. 

I am not in control. 

In these and many other experiences I have been getting reminded that I'm not in control and that I should let go. But letting go is hard for one who thrives on control. So my stubbornness would keep the beatings coming. 

As I have slowly let go my eyes started to see. I don't have to be in control, I have to give Him control. He has infinitely more power than I do. So I started to practice letting go. 

I vowed to do my best for my team and partners and to let go of what came next. Through this difficult year we have never done more business, never made more money, and never been more unified. The struggles have bonded us together and made us more determined than ever. 

I promised to care for my daughter as best I could, and then to trust that He knew what is best. I had to accept that I can't control the success of a surgery or that her pain will go away. I can do my part, be the best dad I can, and then leave my precious girl in His care. 

Suddenly a week ago as I pondered the past year I realized that my greatest strength comes from believing and trusting He is there, He is in control, and that He can do way more with my life than I can. What better gift could He have given me than to remind me to let go as I enter my 40s!

I now see the tiny miracles along the path and understand that while giving me big mountains to climb, he was putting fellow travelers along my way that would play key roles at vital moments. This year I have never received more kindness, felt more love, and experienced more support from my family and friends.   

So I enter 40 not fighting, not in control, but with much trust and gratitude. 

**Please note, I do not mean to push my personal beliefs on anyone else, this is simply how I choose to live and worship. I sincerely love to celebrate the differences of those around me and what we learn from each other.